a story in progress

Last night I had a dream. It was so vivid that I remember it even now. It is rare that a dream should ever be remembered so clearly, each and every detail of it, drawn in a way as intricate as an artist could never possibly have done.

That dream reminds me of something that I have promised to do long ago but yet. It symbolizes the unconscious self within myself, telling me that there are quite a number of things that I have once wanted, but no longer needed, that there are things I have once despised, but now longed and yearned for.

It left me staring at the ceiling, lost in thoughts; the only few weak interruptions were the whispers of the cold night wind brought and the occasionally the hustle of the urban life. I seemed to have loved that feeling, even gotten used to it - that feeling of being alone on an island and forgetting what it is like to have a place to call home – a safe haven.

I have forgotten many things along the way to achieve what I have right now. It may be safe to say even that I have lost many things, beautiful ones, to be able to enjoy the beautiful different ones that I have now.

I guess love, beauty and hatred is ironic. You do not possess the right to love, yet you feel it, you do not have beauty and it is given, but you show it, and you don't need telling that you can hate something and still love it dearly.

Reached home bout 5 something in the evening..So very,very tired..Yet went and do something stupid..
Went jogging around my the park..But somehow I felt much better after doing so..So yea, to all those people out there..Exercising is indeed proven to be able to help ease your daily stress and worries..Well, at least in my case that is..

Almost everyday now gotta stay back at school till late afternoon or even sometimes till evening..But guess its worth every one bit of it rite?Any way today during the debate rehersal time Mr Flethcer couldn't make it..But it return Gopi was with us and acted as the judge,jury and executioner..To be honest having him with us today was really a good thing..You gotta give him credit for knowing what his doing and his experience as a debater really proves to be of an aset..Its like those moments in life where you put everything you have into it..Surely it would be glad to know all of that hasn't gone to waste..No matter how small the sense of accomplishment may be..Nevertheless it made the whole process worthwhile rite?Guess thats one of human's basic nature..Where everyone want at least some regconition for their work..

Another eventfully event today gotta be the 1st meeting for the English Language Society..The society this year has juz undergo what-one-would-call as leadership reshuffling..Pn Liew has taken over the role of Pn Selvarani as the society advisor..Though its suppose to be a reason to rejoice but yet..In some strange and unexpected way..It proves to be something on the contray..There were so many reasons to greive upon..So many reasons to be mad and angry upon..But on this very meeting itself..None of this feelings were there..What scares me the most is the hollowness that suddenly were felt myself inside me..I guess none of this really make any sense to me or to anyone else for that matter..But one thing for sure is that..


"It's an odd thing to look back at the world, to watch those in each of his own way, so brave, so determine and so very,verydesperate - desperate to venture out, but afraid of what he'll miss when he goes; desperate to get everything he wants, even when he is not exactly sure of what that is; desperate for life to be perfect again, although he realises it never really was; desperate for a better future, if he can find a way to escape his past. Sadly, that's just not the way life works, not everyone gets a happy ending."

It has been quite a while since I last update or even bother logging into this blog..SO yea..I kinda miss it rite now..Kakaz.. ^_^

Any way, about the latest update and news revolving around my-so-call life..Finally managed to get all of my April's marks already.Well if a summary is indeed needed then I suppose we shouldnt place that much importance in the exam result..Partly coz I feel dat it doesn't actually reflect anything in our life..SO we might get straight A's or perfect score..But SO WHAT?! You might think I am only juz saying this, but i mean every word I say..I dont feel dat we should be dat upset if our marks aren't dat good or something like dat..As long as we tried our very best and we at least have a clear goal in our mind than I feel exams aren't such a big deal after all..So Jason..Don't be so pek chek,kay? (-_-)"

Secondly,this few days I somehow felt time seem to pass at a very fast rate..Somehow faster than before! SO many things have actually happen in these past week..Though I wished I could have wrriten all these past days in my blog..But the reality or truth is much more further than dat..You might say I am juz pure lazy or dat I am juz finding excuse for my own sake..But I suppose having a bro whom is using the comp 24/7 for playing dota also counts rite? ?_?

By the way..Of late I have been thinking something over and over again..It happen right after dat moment when you told me dat my relationship with her is like the begining of an ending..You told me dat when one side doesn't wish to futher deepen the relationship eventhough the other party insist on..a peculiar secenario will arrise..but after much thoughts into it..I still feel dat there is nothing much that could be done already..I have did what my conssience and heart asked me to..It couldn't be mend or fix in any other way I suppose.. So does it really matter if now is like a brand new begining to a melachony ending?Or is it an ending of a begining?

Other than dat I don't suppose there is much to blog about already right? Well I am running out of inspirations any way..SO do excuse me till I can futher brain-storm ideas to fill up this blog of mines!

Today from morning till late evening dat is bout 7 pm something, I was at Alor Star with my Mum.As soon as I reached back to SP I have to rush to go for Add Math tuition.I was seriously considering to skip dat tuition..

But then again,there I was..in Add Math class trying to make my brain get something which is kinda irrelevant in our life for now dat is..And by the way, to Genmai..If you are reading this..Let me SERIOUSLY tell you something..I wasn't joking when I told you the reason why I was acting in dat way!I meant every word I said!I know you don't really care bout this kind of thing..But I felt dat there is a NEED for you to at least TRY understanding..So any way gomen nasais! And one more thing..I downloaded Wat's Kimi ni Okuru Uta alreday..But I think the song would be better if both of them sing lo..Coz they harmonize better..But dats juz me of coz.. ^o^

Any way back to my topic.Visited my grandparents in Alor Star today.The main reason wasn't becoz we haven't seen them for a very long time but rather we go there is to help them to do some banking stuff.To be honest, my Mum said she will only be relieved after done all those banking stuff coz it has been left untouched for years already.So its BETTER to get it done ASAP, well acording to the adults that is.. Well a promise is a promise after all any way..

To be frank,I have to admit something..Seeing my grandfather today really made me realised how old he was already.His already thining at a very alarming rate.Futhermore, his always worried bout his health..Which in this case wasn't a really good thing becoz dat made him more cautious.TOO cautious at time for his own good.
Guess what I am really trying to say is dat his look really gave me something to worried about.And seeing how my grandmother taking care of him with so much care and tenderness really kept me thinking..How would I be like when I am that age?

Here is a quote from somewhere I pick up~ (I am still trying to estimate how true is it and how much sense it has made in my life and yours..)

"Death is inevitable. It's a promise made to each of us at birth, but before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us. Whether it is the thrill of romance, the joy of raising a family or the anguish of great lost. We all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful, but the sad fact is, not all lives have meaning. Some people spend their time on this planet, just sitting on the sidelines, waiting for something happen to them before it's too late."

Having a so-call-holiday which is only one week long which half of my holidays is either already gone or taken up by some other stuff.Well I don't suppose you can turn back time,right? (>.<)!

Any way,the only goals I had for this holiday were:
>going through the camp in one piece (which I did already)
>secondly was to finished an unfinished business dat is to finished a novel which I bought for quite some time already.

And with much pleasure I announce dat I managed to do both. ^o^ The book dat I just read finished was a book entitled 'The Glass Palace' by Amitav Ghosh .A rather eye-opener book I must say.As I was reading the epilouge I was wondering to myself, 'why on earth am I reading this book?why on EARTH did I even bought this book in the first place?'

But as I begin to read futher,I was glad that I bought this book.Quite an entertaining and absorbing read.This novel is mainly about love,family,friendship,loyalty and the impact made by the war in this story.All of these is set way before World War Two in Mandalay (which so happen to be located in Burma) all the way to the year of 1996 spaning across three generations and spreading from India across Burma and Malaya (which is currently Malaysia of coz)

Through out the process of reading this novel,I realised that this book managed to raise a lot of questions in my head.All those questions bout war,loyalty and etc were never once raised.So yea,I have to admit.Even after I finished reading this book I am still thinking a lot over it.Guess it managed to make an impact in my life one way or another. -_-"

Any way I guess thats it for tonight.Gonna see my grandparents in Alor Star tomorrow.Wonder how things are going on?Till then I bid this blog sayonara! ^,^

Finally, I am back in SP! ^-^ After 5 days and 4 nights away from my home,I can finally update this blog! =P

First of all,I would like to start on how I miss almost practically everything and everyone over here.My bed,my comp,my room,my music,my family,my friends and even my blog!!

Well after all,this is my first time being away for so long on such a trip.How embarrassing,rite for a form four boy? *-*

Any way, if someone were to ask me how was the camp like and how did I felt.Then I suppose the answer would be that 5 days and 4 nights aren't that long actually.If you are actually there then you would feel that time is passing by at a very fast rate.The activities planned were all relatively new for an amateur like me. XD

But never the less everyone were having a great time.From mountain climbing,jungle treking,blind trailing,compass & orienting to cave exploring.These were the few activities that all of us really enjoy ourself.Though we didn't get to know each other that well yet but certainly we were like one big family.Making fun of each other,helping each other and laughing at almost everything.

So I guess that for the past few days,they had really been my bittersweet journey..Though it might be filled with uncertainties,the challenges that lies ahead..But never the less all of us managed to get through all of these with a lot of things to gain..Such as the meaning of hardship,friendship and of course bout life itself!

Only Human by K

哀しみの向こう岸に
Kanashimi no mukou kishi ni
微笑みがあるというよ
Hohoemi ga aru toiu yo

哀しみの向こう岸に
Kanashimi no mukou kishi ni
微笑みがあるというよ
Hohoemi ga aru to iu yo
たどり着くその先には
Tadori tsuku sono saki ni wa
何が僕らを待ってる?
Nani ga bokura wo matteru?

逃げるためじゃなく　夢追うために
Nigeru tame ja naku yume ou tame ni
旅に出たはずさ　遠い夏のあの日
Tabi ni deta hazusa tooi natsu no ano hi

明日さえ見えたなら　ため息もないけど
Ashita sae mieta nara tame iki mo nai kedo
流れに逆らう舟のように
Nagare ni sakarau fune no you ni
今は　前へ　進め
Ima wa mae he susume

苦しみの尽きた場所に
Kurushimi no tsukita basho ni
幸せが待つというよ
Shiawase ga matsu toiu yo
僕はまだ探している
Boku wa mada sagashite iru
季節はずれの向日葵
Kisetsu hazure no himawari

こぶし握りしめ　朝日を待てば
Kobushi nigirishime asahi wo mateba
赤い爪あとに　涙　キラリ　落ちる
Akai tsume ato ni namida kirari ochiru

孤独にも慣れたなら
Kodoku ni mo nareta nara
月明かり頼りに
Tsuki akari tayori ni
羽根なき翼で飛び立とう
Hane naki tsubasa de tobi tatou
もっと　前へ　進め
Motto mae he susume

雨雲が切れたなら
Amagumo ga kireta nara
濡れた道　かがやく
Nureta michi kagayaku
闇だけが教えてくれる
Yami dake ga oshiete kureru
強い　強い　光
Tsuyoi tsuyoi hikari
強く　前へ　進め
Tsuyoku mae he susume

its been bout 3 or 4 days since i last update this blog..but somehow i cann't seem to shake of the feeling of it been days or even weeks..haha..any way..nothing much over here for me to blog about,juz to update some happening over the days..

exam is finally over,thats for 1 thing..i guess its a reason to celebrate of coz.. naturally everyone would be glad to get rid of the exams off their shoulder..so one might even say that once and can jump in joys of celebration.. XD

as for the results of the exam we took..most of them would only be made available after short-term holiday..supposely dats is..but i will get some results today any way..but in the end..i doubt it will be of much importance rite?i mean wat doeas getting an A in moral helps u?or any other subject for dat matter? (i am not juz saying dat to give myself an excuse to fail moral,ya!at least everyone will know i fail moral rather than me alone,if u know what i meant..ahem..i mean cheating of coz..

although i cann't say i know wats like cheating in an exam..but 1 thing for sure..i might know something bout the heart of those who copied..i know their desperation and tension sitting in dat exam and not knowing anything..for i actually consider doing dat myself..but..in the end i didn't..like i mentioned earlier..its better to let everyone know u fail rather than u alsone getting A's but in ur heart u know u failed..but of coz dats juz my opinion of coz..for me this exam isn't dat worthwhile to cheat or copied someone else..its juz the 1st exam of the year la! =P

on an unrelated note..i would be going away soon on a camp or something like dat on the 9th till the 13th..guess its gonna be a rather new experience for me..as i do not deny the fact this would be my 1st time for me to attend some outdoor activites away from home for such a long period of time.. XD well..i guess u can describe my feeling as.. nervous..excited..and yet some how..happy i suppose..any way..i promise to blog down all of those detail and the moments i went through there as soon as i am back in sp!

till than..i am signing off..its 5.56am on a thursaday morning for god sake..gotta go to school,ya

In a matter of days,the exams will finally be here.After those three days of exam, everything will be as it is again.NO more studying nor unneccesary worried over something that hardly matter.I mean,what does a piece of paper justify?Or what is that is so important with a couple of digits dashed with a colour or two?

But sadly,nowadays all that matter is just bout exam grades.Though not all would be like that..BUT most would had been so..I might not even know what is my own belief in this matter..NOR do I really know what are my goals in life..But still..I am sure everyone has a dream rite?Though it might be burried deep within our hearts..Covered by layer and layers of life bittersweet memories..

Even you and i have a dream together..

So..what is our dreams any way?
Is it to lead a happy and succesfull life?Or is it a life with no worries?Or even just to lead a life with our loved ones by our sides??

I used to put serious and deep thoughts into matter like this..Until to an extent where it actually bothers me a lot..

'what am i doing with my life?
what do i want to be as time wither by slowly but steadily?
am i doing the rite thing now?

these thoughts used to run wildly in my mind unanswered and unattended to..

But at one point..I guess I reached to an awareness where my dream and goal in life would be a simple one..Its neither to be succesfull nor live life without a single drop of sorrows or troubles..I just dreamt of being only me and me alone..Not someone else..Nor am I living my life for others..To be ABLE to do all those simple things in life which others might be see it of unsignificant values..Such as even be able to do nothing and stare at the beauty of life and mother nature..Of coz besides that,I suppose there are many stuff which I dreamt of doing..From enjoying a simple musical piece played by my loved one to soaring in the skies above..

I am sure each of us have a dream within our heart..Its just that its up to us to acknowledge it or not or to leave it burried deep within..But to me also..The whole point of having a dream is to have someone to celebrate with when its accomplish..Well..I dunno bout you guys..But dats my opinion of coz..

Till i can have another dream or something even worth dreaming of..I will be off studying juz for the sake of the upcoming exams..