a story in progress

For all that is worth, I think I miss studying very much. Or at least how it was back then, when all I had to worry was getting through the examinations. One after another. Occasionally, there were other things on my plate. Extra-curriculum activities, teenage angst, domestic issues and so on. They are the part and parcel of life back then.

So fast forward to the present. The year of 09. I am turning 18 this coming August. The year of adulthood. A milestone for maturity. In the eyes of many, at this age, I am suppose to be able to make decisions on my own. To be able to decide what is best for myself. To know what I want and work out for it.

To be honest I don't think the above descriptions describe me in one bit. I would very much like to think of myself in that way. Determined, head-strong and clear headed. Yet, I am making allowances or rather excuses for myself by saying I really do hate this part of the road. Given any day, I will be glad to take a road without juncture any time. Sure junctures are a integral part in life. They are the catalyst to events. They are commencements to another chapter of life. Nevertheless, I still prefer a road with junctures for now at least. Perhaps, years from now, when I am in my forties, maybe then I will truly appreciate the gift of having to choose and differentiate one juncture from another. Maybe then, I will have the maturity, confidence and clarity.

For now, I think this is the best time for a timely reminder for myself of the golden phrase -

A timely reminder indeed.

As I am typing this down, a new batch of NS trainees are undergoing their 3 months stint at their respective NS camps throughout the nation. Among the many out there, one of them is a dear friend of mine. Looking at him, does bring back those fond moments I had went through not so long ago.

On the morning of 27th December, I was at the pick up point at the Tapak Ekspo of Taman Ria with an old, musty black leather bag and a highly contrasting new,beige backpack on my shoulder. In them were my daily appliances and necessities which I was to survive on throughout my stint at NS. Surprisingly, taking myself and my Mum into account, I didn't quite register into the category of "over-packer". Nevertheless, I was set and ready to board the bus to Kuala Perlis Jetty. I was ready to leave my home and my comfort zone.

From my seat in the bus, I was able to observe the scene that was unfolding out there. There were many friends, relatives and family members from various creed, credence and background out there. Yet they were all waving their hands and mouthing the same expression on their faces as if they all spoke in a universal language. It was the language of farewell. They were tears trickling from some of the unfamiliar faces below as well. Standing out from them was one individual - my Mum.

After half a day of travel, by land and sea - I was there finally. My new home for the next 3 months of my life was a camp named Kem PLKN Lagenda Seri Negeri constructed in the year of 2006 on a hill named Bukit Hantu. It was intimidating, foreign and cold at the first thought. Tramping all the way up there with the baggage behind didn't help ease such thoughts either.

The first week of my life as a Wira at this far-off land wasn't the best moments I had. In fact, they could very well be the lowest moments I ever went through at there. Without the comforting presence of those whom one is close and familiar with, I felt very much isolated. I got to feel for the first time how loneliness really bites into one's soul and how it was to have such yearning for the solace of all things familiar to one. It was the feeling of homesick. It was a disease infecting many at that time. And I was suffering from it too.

Yet, I was afraid of acknowledging that back then. Not to my friends and family. I didn't wanted them to fret over me. And I certainly didn't want them to perceive me as weak. I wanted to show to everyone, I was doing fine even when I just took my first solo flight out. I wanted to comfort that one individual that shed tears for me even as I was about to take on my first flight.

As natural and as surely how a chick learns to break out from its shell till the moment it takes its first flight by flapping hard on its own two wings, I learned to break out from the malady and took my first flight as a individual in this new environment. I meet, knew and befriended many other colourful individuals as we were all treading down the same path.

Along the way, I gained much experiences and life meme.

I got up every morning by dawn at the sound of banging lockers.
I bathe in cold water everyday regardless of chilly rain or sweltering heat.
I ate loads and loads of curries for most of the meals at there.
I got use to climbing up and down a hill wherever I moved about.
I learnt to sing whether silently or at the top of my lungs a couple of Malay songs.
I learnt how to wear spike boot and a Barret properly with the help of others.
I participated and had fun playing those childish but insightful games during Character Building (CB) Module.
I went on to become a first time MC for Program Penghayatan Sastera dan Budaya (PPSB) dressed in the Baju Melayu outfit complete with a songkok to match.
I went for formal Buddhist classes and got educated about my religion properly for the first time.
I was outspoken as ever during the Nation Module while getting attached to the song Warisan by Surdiman.
I debated once more but this time in Malay for the motion "Lelaki lebih ramai terlibat dengan masalah penagihan dadah" organized by the ADDK and won as the opposition.
I took on the challenge of doing the Flying Fox and abseiling with much gusto.
I fired for the first time using a Colt M16 with a score of 1/100.
I camped outdoor for the first time with the ground as my base for the first time during Wirajaya.
I went on a first boat ride touring the sea of Langkawi on a Navy's speed boat during Community Service Module.
I learnt how to march for the first time to the stage and on the field while discerning between a proper "hentak kaki" and "tendang kuda".
I went up the stage during the last night to do a weird hip hop/robotic dance with a cap on.

I have done and went through all of those. Most were first timers for myself. Yet besides the ones mentioned above and a whole lot more, I gained something which I believe I will never forget no matter how many waves of crashing years there are to come. All of us; the trainers and trainees, managed to work cohesively to create such a sincere and wonderful bond amongst ourselves. It was a bond filled with laughter, joys, bitterness, strictness and many more which will forever more stay as a sweet memory. However, short, ephemeral or superficial it may be, there is no mistaken that it was heartfelt.


Despite all the scepticism and the apprehension over the entire National Service I had initially, I have had indeed seized the moment to make the best out of it which turn out to be a great moment to remember even years and years from now. All it took was an open heart, a receiving mind and embracing arms.

Should there be a moment where one can sit down and contemplate on, what would it be? A year ago, I was dead worried over my SPM examinations. Ten months later, I was troubled by the results which I will be getting instead. Three months later, here I am with the results, but at the same time troubled and worried all the same over a different matter.

What will I be studying? Where will I be heading?

Those are a different set of questions and worries playing in my mind now. But I am sure with the flow of time, such thoughts instead will be answered or to be more exact replaced with a different set of questions, doubt, insecurities and challenges.

What will my GPA be? How can I cope? Will I get into the university that I applied for?

Such worries will very much be a superfluous yet indispensable part of my life. I really don't know how well I will fare or cope in the face of such overwhelming distress. No one does.

But I just hope in the process, I am able to just to take a break from the purportless contention against time, to just sit by idly and live the moment. Such moments are rare but unintentionally these are the moments that we live for.

I just hope I don't miss mine.

I am back after 75 days living in an island.

Finally gotten my SPM result after a 3 months worth of wait.

It was a straight A's.

I am grateful, happy, disappointed, relieved, bitter, uncertain, melancholic, enlightened and so much more.

If others can look at my slip and be happy for it while some might look at it with a tinge of "oh, you are so close!". What should I feel then?

Both of it.

But most importantly, I managed to smile on that day.

I know that slip of paper summarize my entire 11 years worth of education. I also know that there are somethings that can never be put down into black and white. The memories, the moments, the friends, the lives of others whom we have touched.

I have been through all of that and that I am very much proud of it despite it all.