a story in progress

I need to acknowledge this whole being on the other side of the fence phase. The opportunities, the people, the freedom. They are all well and fine. Although I have never put much thoughts into the relative trade offs until recently. Not in comparison at least.

It has been more than a year since I came to this city state. Every time  I turn around and look at how much have went by, I am genuinely grateful for it. Whenever I look forward, I feel a rush of excitement. But only for that split second. I know I am settling. Norming into everything. But at the very same time, that thought of a future never cease to scares me.

I really like how today turn out to be. It didn't started out great. Water supply was still cut of. Received my other mid term grade only to come to the realization I am really flunking this term by screwing two of my OM modules. But then it stopped. At that point. The whole bad mojo.

From the moment I stepped out from that class, it seemed only the good fortunes of what a maneki neko can only grant. The lunch talk was much needed right after the uplifting pep talk with the Prof. The afternoon went on to becoming a point of celebration with the positive response of an external. Alas after what seemed to a period of desolation and despondency. The night's sharing session with similar minded friends went on to seal the deal.

Sniped from Dejavuit

Hey,

I do not know what to feel or think about at the moment. I am not mad but at the same time, I cried. Knowing miles away, another soul is crying her heart out, I had to come back. The only thought that was evident to me was that I had to come back. If I didn't, I am afraid whatever that's left out here wouldn't be something I cherish very much then.

Now that I am back, that same lump in my throat won't go away when I am around you. I am lost for words. I do not know what to feel about it. I can only be plastic - and awkward.

I stand by what I said that I will always be here for you.. For each one of you. As how I would imagine each of us would at least stand by one another when the situation calls for it.

But I do wonder. Will there be a point in time, where I stop assuming things will turn out fine between all of us? Will we ever reach that point of no return. If that point is indeed crossed, I really want to know if I can still stand by my own words then.

Kar-Men

I am writing this post out of an influx of emotions. I am throwing out whatever ounce of rationale or some self made up rule of not turning this space into an emo space. I just had two mid terms and the last paper was just plain bad. But above the horrible outcome of the papers, I am feeling so mad at myself. Mad about not preparing earlier. Mad about falling asleep in class all the time. Mad about not prioritizing my studies enough.

These maddening thoughts that have been spinning around my head for the past hour are now acting like some triggering points to all these insecurities that I am having about myself. From my priorities in life to what I think I need. Everything seems to be a far shot. A one in a million shot.

Underachieving and uncertainties.

I hate them.

Dear CK,

It is indeed refreshing to talk to you today. Somewhere between class and the distance for dinner struck a thought in me. We haven't been talking with each other as much as I would like to. A part of me do wonder, what would have happened if I have taken that leap of faith back then. Would things still stayed the same? I doubt anything would come out of it, but I am still very glad at where we stand today. Work, studies or even just plain nonsense are things that I am confident that I can turn to you just about anytime.

Warmest Regards,
Yours

I need to stop searching for that moment of validation. I am at this stage of the cycle where the marginal utility gained no longer seemed to matter. I know when I am starting to have these thoughts; of stopping right in my tracks and fleeing to obscurity, my priorities have since changed.

A senior and a friend would probably say, "Look into one's self causation and remedy it" , but I would then be thinking to myself, "How far I have walked only to find myself, unable to see it as it or even as it should be".

It's 2.47 and I am being delirious. But doing this much relives me of my present state of self. Even if it's just a fraction of it.

REQUISITES TO MOTIVATE

• We have to be Motivated to Motivate
• Motivation requires a goal
• Motivation once established, does not last if not repeated
• Motivation requires Recognition
• Participation has motivating effect
• Seeing ourselves progressing Motivates us
• Challenge only motivates if you can win
• Everybody has a motivational fuse i.e. everybody can be motivated
• Group belonging motivates

If our beliefs and actions are defined by our values, what are we when we act upon only to realize that they aren't align to others? Will it be seen as an selfish, bigoted act with ill intent? A most challenging act would be to balance oneself precariously on a thin line of faith trying to fulfill one's values as well as catering to the values of others.

It would be really nice to take a small break once in awhile. Away from all the paradox of juggling and not compromising. The thought of being back home. In my bed. Or catching up on the familiarities, friends and food is a comforting thought indeed.

But then again, at the back of it all, the same precarious act of constant balancing between values will forever more be around. At least for the next one term.

Until that last day of the term, I have to be a fighter. Holding on to my fort.

Dear Association Internationale des Étudiants en Sciences Économiques et Commerciales,

You are an entity of wonder. As much as you are a pandora box to my GPA, you are also undeniably helpful. You brought new perspectives and new friends to my otherwise nondescript freshmen year. And most importantly, immersing in all things about you, I am beginning to perhaps realign my future prospects.

For starters, I am no longer attracted to the notion of a bank job from 9 to 5 dealing with the backdoor workings of a financial institution. Nor am I keen to crunch numbers all day long as an accountant. Although, I do not know exactly what I am keen to work with after my grad years, I suppose it will be completely different from what I imagine it to be as before.

Above and beyond career prospects, I am now looking at building a network of people. Of friends, confidants and long time buddies. With that much of hours spent in it, I am rather confidant that, I can start planning grand schemes to take over the world. In a literal and figurative sense of course.

So for the next one year, two or maybe even three years to come, you will see me around. That much is a promise.

Cheers,
Yours

I am at this point of my life, taking on different roles of leadership and responsibilities. I am no longer accountable to myself solely. I have to look out for others at a micro and macro level. From being accountable for their well being, growth and delivery of results to the long term strategic planning process.

In the past, I have had thought about this before. Imagining myself to be in that position of power. Wondering how it will be like to have others looking to me for direction and instructions. The very idea of being in that position to inspire and influence others actually exhilarated me.

Now that I am finally here - in that position of power, I feel the utmost weight of solemnity. The need to balance one's aspiration with the expectation to deliver. The need to see the far ahead and act upon it.But somewhere amid all these feelings, that spark of exhilaration is still there.

The terms ahead will not be an easy one. But hopefully it will also be one of the best ones that I will go through during my undergraduate days.

Dear Everyone,

I wish I can just pluck the courage and take that leap of faith. But the fact is I am just too contented with status quo.

So do allow me the indulgence. Even if it's a self perpetuating thing.

Thankyouverymuch.

Sincerely,
Yours