a story in progress

Your Existing Situation

Defensive. Feels his position is threatened or inadequately established. Determined to pursue his objectives despite the anxiety induced by opposition.

Your Stress Sources

Feels unappreciated and finds the existing situation disagreeable. Wants personal recognition and the esteem of others to compensate for the lack of like-minded people with whom to ally himself and make himself more secure. His sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for him to give himself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and merge with another. This disturbs him as he regards such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome; only by not succumbing to them, he feels, can he withstand the difficulties of the situation. Wants to be valued as a desirable associate and admired for his personal qualities.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for him to form a stable emotional attachment.

Clings to his belief that his hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to his choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.

Your Desired Objective

Needs to feel identified with someone or something and wishes to win support by his charm and amiability. Sentimental and yearns for a romantic tenderness.

Your Actual Problem

Greatly impressed by the unique, by originality, and by individuals of outstanding characteristics. Tries to emulate the characteristics he admires and to display originality in his own personality.

Your Actual Problem #2

Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on his resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects him to agitation and acute distress. He attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as he desires them to be.

KarMen took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs to feel identified with someone or something..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Have you ever experienced moments where you are cringed beyond any form of expressions that you can possibly cook up to express how-cringe-you-feel-at-that-moment? Well I just had two of those in like, (what?) less then 4 hours ago. Once was before heading for my Chem class while having my dinner while the other was during Chem itself.

Well first and foremost, to put things into perspective, while me and my mum were having our dinner at our local restaurant (someone has to do something about the lack of selection when in comes to food in this sleepy little town aka Sungai Petani btw), the restaurant owner was all of a sudden very "chatty" with my mum. And well, knowing my mum, it went from the current ailments that are inflicting the youngs all the way to the education of today.

And like every other education talk going out there, this one isn't spared from the classic "Oh, I'm so envious of my brother's children! They are like all so smart and their youngest son even recently gotten himself a scholarship to do med. If only my sons were as smart as them...." And my mum will be doing her classic phrase as well, "Can't say like that one la, everyone also have their capacity or ability of some sort one ma." (implied to me actually)

So cringe no 1 was me unable to digest the classic and oh-so-weary-phrase-of-so-smart-one served with the usual dose of nevermind-one-la. I will be like ermmm, okay, can I just have my meal now?

Now for cringe no 2, it's far worst and more cringyble than the 1st one. Why? Instead of a restaurant, try a class full of other students. AND instead of some owner of the restaurant, it's you Chem teacher making you cringe so badly that you wish you had actually dug a hole and hide in it. For reasons of my own, I shall not deliberate any further about it. But the hints however is really big-give-away when you put me, Ahmad, Munes, scholarship and Pn Gui into an ionic equation.

Ermm, although I'm partially (?) honoured that teacher hold me to such regards, but when said to a cynic who also so happen to suffer from a case lazy-bone syndrome, the result can only be a very, very cringy episode.

Well conclusion?

Talks of scholarships and the-usual-I-envy-your-edu-success make a certain sledge hammer wielding peacock very, very cringy indeed. (as how the lemon below would make you feel)

Because I'm bored.
Because I'm jobless.
Because I need a break.
Therefore, I have compile a list of random but somehow, relevant (?) to my life right now.

1. Good pens are hard to come by. (when they do come by, be sure to grab more!)
   
2. A smile is like a virtue, and like any other virtues out there - it can't be forced upon. (but I do need a couple of those, now and then)
   
3. A little tidiness and organizing goes a long way. (which would explain what I just did for the past 3 hours)
   
4. Sleeping sometimes do not necessarily solve all your problems. (then why do I still sleep as much as I do?)
   
5. Tears are in fact thicker than blood. (seriously)
   

Okay, now that the mid-term break is finally here, what's next? Two weeks of much needed sleep, relaxation, and pure nonsensical nonsense perhaps? I seriously doubt I would get any of the above seeing how I am a fifth former, I am practically dictated to slave through this 2 weeks with nothing but books and extra-classes.

And fyi, you would think these people would have figured out by now that the whole speech on this is your final year or sacrifices are needed; don't usually (well more like always actually) work.

Oh well. As usual gotta pull through this somehow. Don't these kind of stuff usually work that way?

At the mean time, I will go brooding about my erm lack of self-motivation by having my lunch break.

And have I mention the weather right now is just plain fantastic? It look as if a storm is brewing up, with dark clouds hanging about and also with strong gusts of wind bellowing through the window. It look as if it's a scene taken out from the LoTR movie. You know the whole scene before the big fight thingy? It gives you precisely that grand, ominous vibe that I am feeling right now.

I am such a sucker for this kind of weather.

2 more days to go, with 6 papers left to take.

*keeping my finger cross over here*

Alright just got back home. All stinky and sweaty, but heck the bathrooms are occupied, so I will blog a bit while waiting for my turn. (See we actually have turns in my house. All that is lacking is a ticketing system, and hey presto, we have what you call as modern day red tapes/banking system.)

Anyway, today was our Teacher's Day celebration. nothing much to blog about seeing how every year, it's the same process. The assembly, the speech, the games, the performances, the speech, the singing and the speech. See how everything ends up like a vicious cycle? Never ending they say.

But this year, the school admin are actually smart seeing how they manage to make (al)most all students and teachers alike to attend today's all jolly celebration by holding an exam. (For us fifth former, it's our English Paper 1).

Well, the timing thing was a total flop. Instead of ending at 1, we end up leaving at 1 something (close to 2). But heck, aren't PMT +2 for occasion such as this? (Predetermined Meeting Time which is 1 or 2 hours later than PMT)

With that in mind together with the fun of watching the teachers doing their stuff on the field (after all, it's indeed rare to see the teachers all fired up and dress for the occasion for some fun and games under the sun but not unheard of) it's kinda funny. Not the funny kinda of HAHA, but more like a L.O.L sort of laugh going on.

And unexpectedly the cards we made for the teachers were strangely more then enough. Kinda puzzling how we manage to have 5 left when we only made 90 cards when there are over 97 teachers in our school. Oh well, at least you can't say Astronomy Club is for nothing right now. XD (I practically drill the name into teachers)

And on another unrelated note, got hit by a minor outbreak of allergic reaction. The frustrating part miraculously isn't the itchiness or the scratching part (although they do annoy the hell out of you) but it's not being able to pinpoint the cause of it. There was the Twisties a few years back. But now what? Well, thank god the modern medicine is way much more effective then some traditional rice wine being dabbled all over your body this time.

So overall, I would say it's a happy day for me. (happy in the sense, where there are no mood swings or PMS-ing syndrome on yours and truly) =P

Librium

a toss and a turn
on the
once smooth linen

why oh why
she asked
silence
was the answer

everything was in place
a flagon lies readily
filled to the brim
pillows all puff up

flabbergasted at herself
she was

it was now four
as dawn
was to greet her
she found
little comfort in it

hot flushes they call it

but nay
it couldnt be
as simple as that
she said
(could it?)

as stubborn as she was
she couldnt resist
it any further

consumed the librium
with a gulp of water
she did

alas she found sleep
alas she was at peace

[Footnote:Wrote this poem during my morning Account class - apparently out of boredom and a sudden stroke of inspiration. In case, you are interested, it's about a sleepless woman and her sleeping pills]

Just had my Chemistry and Account papers today. Out of the 10 papers I have sat for Chemistry along with History were plain depressing. They were suicidal, tough and I just had to completely screwed them up. Argh.

I kept on telling myself something must have gone wrong. May it be my planning or my fucked up brain right now. I can't tell whether I am stressed out by the examinations or with all those fucked up thoughts I have in my brain. I know there are times, when plans don't go as planned, but what I am feeling right now is utterly ridiculous. I don't even know what I am so upset about.

Is it the exams? At least I don't think so. I thought I had put behind the whole break it or do it mindset behind. Or could it be that I have never moved an inch from it in the first place?

Is it because my plans are so fucked up right now? I thought I had a perfect synergy thing going on over here. I know what I want. And know I am progressing towards it. But what's with all the hesitance and reluctances? There were moments where I just wanna do it. And surprisingly it turn out alright. Moments where I planned and calculated every single step towards it - the moment came, and everything came crashing along with it. What am I do now? To carry on with the plan? Or making it up as I go along? Instinct will tell me to go for the latter. But conscious is with the former.

Mood swings as I call them - along with the urge to strangle someone or anything out there.

Let it be known, that I have violent mood swings.

Let it be known that, "let it be know that.." is my catch phrase of today.

Let it be know, that Mid Year Examination is from May the 11th till Jun the 9th.

Let it be know that, I am totally flustered by it right now.

Let it be know that, this blog will undergo a fluctuation where updates will be at it's minimal till further notice.

Thank you.

Okay, I have less then 10 minutes to blog down a tons of stuff today, so do excuse me, if things get a bit too hasty over here. (God know what this boy can come up with in the spur of the moment)

First thing first, it's been almost a week now since the Kuala Muda/Yan District debate, but people are still talking about it. About how the whole event was a cunningly engineered conspiracy to let us people win. Dah-lah kena proud and rude, (and not to mention being labeled as a bunch of peacocks), now they are going overboard by saying that Sir actually spoke and somehow miraculously managed to brainwash the 5 adjudicators before the final which led to us winning. I have one thing to clarify over here, I actually admit the final was a close and tough one. The SMK Bakar Arang actually gave us a run for our money. They were kinda intimidating and impressive at the same time. They had a very (or a rather) convincing argument going on throughout the debate. But we had ours too. It was a parallel debate, where the Govt and the Opp had two diverging arguments and caselines. So it was up to the judges to make sense of the entire debate. So can we all officially leave this matter to rest? Rather than taking up justice to your own hands with a very convincing tool which is the Friendster?

Next, still on debate, heard news that State level is going to be on the 18th of Jun in the SMKKuala Ketil school. (Can anyone help clarify on this matter though? It's yet to be on black and white.) A bit worried over the dates, seeing how late the State is going to be held this year. I mean compared to last year, by now we should have finish the state level. Is there a reason for the JPN to have this year's State this late? Have the people over there actually considered how we the fifth formers have to actually take our trials??

And on a lighter note, finally did the blood test experiment today during Biology. As expected, I'm in the blood group B. (but only found today that I am B+!) And I just realized, I have no notion at all when it comes to SH. Maybe it's just a few minor cuts, but overall, I didn't thought I had the guts to bleed myself on purpose before. But I was proven wrong! Yes, I know this might not be something to be proud of, but how else would I know that I have such a healthy blood clotting system?

The first attempt with the blood test. (I actually cheated by doing it twice seeing how the first time, my blood dried up so fast and there were too little blood to test with anyway)

Second time is the charm! (and in case you are wondering, it's all smudge up because I didn't dried properly before putting the card in the plastic)

Haha. All done in the name of Science!