a story in progress

Just had my Chemistry and Account papers today. Out of the 10 papers I have sat for Chemistry along with History were plain depressing. They were suicidal, tough and I just had to completely screwed them up. Argh.

I kept on telling myself something must have gone wrong. May it be my planning or my fucked up brain right now. I can't tell whether I am stressed out by the examinations or with all those fucked up thoughts I have in my brain. I know there are times, when plans don't go as planned, but what I am feeling right now is utterly ridiculous. I don't even know what I am so upset about.

Is it the exams? At least I don't think so. I thought I had put behind the whole break it or do it mindset behind. Or could it be that I have never moved an inch from it in the first place?

Is it because my plans are so fucked up right now? I thought I had a perfect synergy thing going on over here. I know what I want. And know I am progressing towards it. But what's with all the hesitance and reluctances? There were moments where I just wanna do it. And surprisingly it turn out alright. Moments where I planned and calculated every single step towards it - the moment came, and everything came crashing along with it. What am I do now? To carry on with the plan? Or making it up as I go along? Instinct will tell me to go for the latter. But conscious is with the former.

Mood swings as I call them - along with the urge to strangle someone or anything out there.