a story in progress

Friday, October 14, 2011

Giving Thanks

I really like how today turn out to be. It didn't started out great. Water supply was still cut of. Received my other mid term grade only to come to the realization I am really flunking this term by screwing two of my OM modules. But then it stopped. At that point. The whole bad mojo.

From the moment I stepped out from that class, it seemed only the good fortunes of what a maneki neko can only grant. The lunch talk was much needed right after the uplifting pep talk with the Prof. The afternoon went on to becoming a point of celebration with the positive response of an external. Alas after what seemed to a period of desolation and despondency. The night's sharing session with similar minded friends went on to seal the deal.

Sniped from Dejavuit

Today was really significant. Because I finally managed to get hold of that feeling of being in the front seat once more. To be in control instead of being mindless lost or struggling to cope.

I want to remember this day and give thanks to the individuals who all came about and play their part.

To all thank you.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Day 12 / Day 20 / Day 22

Hey,

I do not know what to feel or think about at the moment. I am not mad but at the same time, I cried. Knowing miles away, another soul is crying her heart out, I had to come back. The only thought that was evident to me was that I had to come back. If I didn't, I am afraid whatever that's left out here wouldn't be something I cherish very much then.

Now that I am back, that same lump in my throat won't go away when I am around you. I am lost for words. I do not know what to feel about it. I can only be plastic - and awkward.

I stand by what I said that I will always be here for you.. For each one of you. As how I would imagine each of us would at least stand by one another when the situation calls for it.

But I do wonder. Will there be a point in time, where I stop assuming things will turn out fine between all of us? Will we ever reach that point of no return. If that point is indeed crossed, I really want to know if I can still stand by my own words then.

Kar-Men

Sunday, October 2, 2011

One in a Million

I am writing this post out of an influx of emotions. I am throwing out whatever ounce of rationale or some self made up rule of not turning this space into an emo space. I just had two mid terms and the last paper was just plain bad. But above the horrible outcome of the papers, I am feeling so mad at myself. Mad about not preparing earlier. Mad about falling asleep in class all the time. Mad about not prioritizing my studies enough.

These maddening thoughts that have been spinning around my head for the past hour are now acting like some triggering points to all these insecurities that I am having about myself. From my priorities in life to what I think I need. Everything seems to be a far shot. A one in a million shot.

Underachieving and uncertainties.

I hate them.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Day 10

Dear CK,

It is indeed refreshing to talk to you today. Somewhere between class and the distance for dinner struck a thought in me. We haven't been talking with each other as much as I would like to. A part of me do wonder, what would have happened if I have taken that leap of faith back then. Would things still stayed the same? I doubt anything would come out of it, but I am still very glad at where we stand today. Work, studies or even just plain nonsense are things that I am confident that I can turn to you just about anytime.

Warmest Regards,
Yours

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I Had No Life or So I Thought

Snipped from: http://asdfghjkllove.tumblr.com/

It has been more than a month ever since the new school term began. And truth be told, half of the time, I am either angsty over some issues or being dead tired. I knew when the new term began, I am to start my sophomore year with an increased workload and additional responsibilities, yet somewhere along the lines, everything around me seems to be crashing. I was barely catching up with school work. Dealing with miscommunication and people issues drained me. There were also those late nights, that subsequently went on to be caffeine powered mornings.

Ranting was something I did a lot. Whether it was on this personal space or to a few friends of mine. A recurring thought that hit during the entire episode, was the need to disappear. I wanted to vanish to obscurity so badly. I wanted to be in a place where I didn't have to wake up cursing that I slept through my alarm, or seized by a moment of panic each time I opened my email. I didn't want to feel guilty for not updating others on Facebook or even responding to their text messages.

Amid all the backlogs, I started to call home more frequently that I normally would. Each time I spoke to my Mum, that thought of "I miss you and home so badly that I want to come back now" in my head kept screaming for attention and to be brought out of silence.

But no silence was broken. Instead, things went on as it is and I went on being angsty and tired most of the time.

Now looking back.. I don't know where the solutions to the above problems came about. Or even if such matters were resolved in the first place. But somehow, 5 weeks after everything has began, I am finding my equilibrium. Those late nights and caffeine powered mornings are becoming increasingly infrequent. My sleep debt is somewhat repaid. Emails and updates are accounted for.

I do know someday all of these will be worth it. And for that, I think I will be waking up to each day with a greater sense of anticipation and a little bit of joy. Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Spirited Away

Whisked away under that bright blue sky; even as the world around you seems to be crashing into pieces, there is something inexorably about this moment.. that makes everything, a tad more bearable than it can be.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Stop.Start.Continue

I need to stop searching for that moment of validation. I am at this stage of the cycle where the marginal utility gained no longer seemed to matter. I know when I am starting to have these thoughts; of stopping right in my tracks and fleeing to obscurity, my priorities have since changed.

A senior and a friend would probably say, "Look into one's self causation and remedy it" , but I would then be thinking to myself, "How far I have walked only to find myself, unable to see it as it or even as it should be".

It's 2.47 and I am being delirious. But doing this much relives me of my present state of self. Even if it's just a fraction of it.