a story in progress

As I'm typing this post now, I do not have any idea at all as to what is my main idea, elaboration or even examples for this post. I am only typing away because of my sudden desire to post something or anything at all in this blog. The very idea of being coherent is irrelevant.

Ever since I could remember, I always wrote my English essays back in high school with little or no planning at all. Only had a rough idea on what to write based on the question. Often, I would arrive at the concluding paragraph of my essays with a totally different effect I initially had in mind. Most of them being disoriented in nature were in fact disastrous to even be read by the teachers. I wasted too much time fantasizing of some great, stellar plot at the start of the exam only to realize time was ticking away. With the panic and sudden sense of urgency rushing in, I rushed to scribble as much words as possible with the remaining time. Grammar, spelling, tenses and all went by unchecked and uncorrected. The lowest mark I ever get for my free response essay was a 33 (or so) over 50 marked by Pn. Vasanthi. As dumbfounded as I was back then, I knew I deserved that mark in every way possible even as I re-read my essay again right now.

Essay aside, I guess what I was facing back then during the English exams is the same thing as I am facing right now - lost in an attempt to come up with something stellar and thought-provoking that will make people wooed by it to the extent of losing that precious moment. But with an exception. This time having a spell check at hand, ample of time with no particular dateline nor stress to compose that fable composition destined to woo everyone.

Nothing has changed so far.

[Footnote:Will be heading back to Penang in an hour or so. The classes will go on as usual, from Monday to Friday. Do count me to skip the Wednesday and Thursday classes though to make way for Hari Anugerah Cemerlang.]

First and foremost, I must sincerely apologize for my evident delay on living up to my own words. I made a promise to you a few months back whereby I vowed to publish my two cents worth of thoughts into the regarding topic as how I received it back then on that Island. However, regretfully not only did I fail to live up to those words, I even failed in putting the much needed thoughts into the regarding subject due to many reasons. However I do pray for your kindness and understanding when it comes to judging my past action and also my genuine answers to the pertaining subject which you are soon to read.

Before you are to proceed any further, I pray once more to distract you. Perhaps you might be curious to the very least, on my degree of oddity in treating the topic at hand? Truthfully, I only seek to address the subject at hand with much solemness for what else more does such topic at hand demands but solely the sobriety of the particular individual? Although, I am very much aware, that through that very process, I might ultimately seek to dodge and subtly mask the true nature of my answers.

No matter, from this point onwards I shall offer no more distractions nor feeble attempts of self-justification. I shall dive straight into the crux of the subject.

***

Not seeing or being with her when she needed us the most. Did not realize back then of the grievous consequences that would be brought forth many years to come later. In a way, that particular incident was the breaking point of an already sadden ship.

Of being discovered and judged by one of the many I care most in the world. What I did led to constant fear and insecurities within me.

My family. And family to me only means the four of us.

Overcoming myself. It doesn't deserve a standing ovation or anything of that sort but keeping up to self is dignified in my term.

When the very institution I am in seem to falter at its very foundation with the ship slowly being sadden to the point of sinking.

To be honest, I would have a lot of things that I would like to do differently. But knowing how it goes in the end, I do believe I won't change a single thing in the end.

I am afraid if I am able to reach to that particular point where I am to be asked with such question, I be just too tired to justify nor convince any further. I would simply say, "It's up to you".