a story in progress

I'm completely burned out thanks to this one whole week alone. Not really because of the exams or the blunders I made in my Add Math and Physic paper (yes, I screwed up my Physic paper as well) - but I feel completely drained out emotionally and my thoughts are like in a limbo state right now. All sorts of stuff, are jumble in there, each trying to scream their way out to be heard. Sounds pretty emo, eh? You tell me about it.

During the Tuesday break from the exams, had an enlightening conversation with my friend (instead of revising for the next day) about life, the conspiracies in life (yes, she is a cynic as well!), the future and of "Pen-pen".

It may sound a bit unusual, but I was completely stunned when our conversation took a detour into our respective dreams and what our sweet dreams are made of. She asked me, "What's your dream?" I tried answering her, but I couldn't. My jaw was hanging open like some Venus flytrap awaiting for it's prey. I had that very blank, stupid look on my face.

After quite sometime, I answered "A physiologist I suppose."

But somehow, I knew something wasn't really right. The answer I gave her was a very carefully thought out, analytical answer. It wasn't a dream of mines. A dream is something that you hold dear to your heart. You dream about it constantly. You picture yourself doing it. A dream is something you habour secretly in your heart and pray with all might -that one day, you might actually be living out that dream. Mines was exactly the opposite of all that.

From that point onwards, I was thinking and thinking to myself; "Is it EVEN possible for a person not to have dreams?"

What is my dream?
What do I truly wish to do when I grow up without the restrains of obligations and responsibilities?

To dream is our purpose in life.
Our purpose in life, is our raison d'être to hold.

So what is my raison d'être?

During an English class last week (I think), we did a reading comprehension. Pn Jac gave us a poem and asked us randomly to go out there and recite it aloud. The title the poem was I Build Walls. It wasn't stated who was the author or the poet who came up with the poem, but it goes something like this;

I build walls:
Walls that protect,
Walls that shield,
Walls that say I shall not yield
Or reveal
Who I am or how I feel.

I build walls:
Walls that hide,
Walls that cover what’s inside,
Walls that stare or smile or look away,
Silent lies,
Walls that even block my eyes
From the tears I might have cried.

I build walls:
Walls that never let me
Truly touch
Those I love so very much.
Walls that need to fall!
Walls meant to be fortresses
Are prisons after all.

Somehow, I felt the poem had a very profound impact on me. Half of our life, we are trying so hard to secure ourselves from all the pain and grief that ironically that we all have to go through in life while the other half is spend on trying to make our existence known to others. Are these walls of a fortress, waiting to be opened? A walls of a prison waiting to be break? Or walls of a skyscrapper waiting to be relished?

By the way, for those who are free enough, do stop by at my Johari and Nohari window. I will be either proven right or pleasantly surprise. Either way, they are fine with me.

WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF

What the fuck is wrong with me??! How on earth can I lose 20 marks just because of one silly mistake of not dividing the whole fricking progression with 4??!!!! Today's Add Math paper is a totally fucked up paper. Not because the questions were exceptionally hard or even beyond impossible to solve, it's just because of my stupid, idiotic self of overlooking at those fricking numbers.

Just because of that one question I screwed up in, cost me 20 marks! 20 fricking marks! The only way I can dream of getting an A for Add Math is getting a perfect score for the other 7 questions. But seeing how pathetic myself can be, I can kiss that A goodbye.

I'm unhappy, frustrated and even to the extent of feeling fucked up right now not because others got it right or the fact that it was a lapse of judgment of not double-checking the paper before handing the paper over or even the fact that I just lost my A. I'm angry at how stupid I can get at times. And this time it really cost me big time.

It's not as if the grade A really matter that much to me compared to the sickening,nagging conscience that keeps on reminding me that I can do it, and that it was such a waste of not being able to grasp it. It's not as if I weren't prepared for the Add Math paper this time. It's not as if I didn't revise through it over and over again.

I hate the very feeling of being both angry and disappointed with myself at the same time. Angry at how stupid and careless I can get. Disappointed at how much my stupidity cost me. I'm a god damn fool alright.

I hate myself.

As of yesterday, construction works for the back of my house has began. If everything goes as plan, by mid April, it should be ready. But till then, I have no choice but to bear with all the drilling and wall smashing part of the construction. Fun, no? Well, at least I get to try out my new ear plugs. It's supposed to block as much as 31 decibels. (Not really sure it about that part though.)

But I believe everyone should start investing on a good pair of ear plugs. Imagine if you are trying to sleep in the middle of the night when all of a sudden your thoughtful neighbor decides to throw a karaoke? Or how a bout ongoing drilling works taking place nearby? That's when a pair of solid and decent ear plug comes to the rescue! (And NO I am not getting paid by anyone to promote the use of earplugs, although I wouldn't mind getting paid for it =P)

Other than that, nothing much has been happening in my life. Ever since Sport's day was over, so did the days of afternoon sessions, running about and shouting till your-voice-get-hoarse moments in my life. Now that I think of it, aren't these kind of events in life where you initially dread, grow to like it along the way, and miss it when it's gone? Another never-ending cycle in life, I suppose.

On the offside, I just realized, as of today, I have officially broken the one hundredth post count! Over the 1 year, 2 months, 12 days and 2 hours, I have written as much as 101 posts; filled 99.8% with nonsensical ramblings and 0.02% of enlightening crap (which are pretty much pointless all the same).

Be rest assured.

More is to come in due time!

But till then, I have to study my ass of for the upcoming exam. It's going to be the first monthly test of the year. It's going to be the same old 10 subjects with the exception of EST. The school board feels that somehow having EST exam is highly unnecessary for the students owning to the fact that it's a elective subject. Considerate bunch of people no? They make you attend EST lessons till 3 o'clock and then tells you that it's optional to take it for SPM and that it will only be tested during the mid and final term paper.

Oh well, till then I have drown myself with facts, theories and formulaes that the education system deem of the utmost importance.

As promised earlier, today's post would be a belated post about Valentine. It's not exactly related to Valentine's day nor the rose conspiracies behind it.

Rather it's about something so hypothetical in nature, by it's delusional essence and cliched definition that never fails to amaze mankind.

Love. So often used, so often described - yet neither of us can truly grasp it's real meaning. While all of us claim to know this familiar feelings, we can never seem to express the true depth of love in words. Love is hypothetical. Love is aloof. Love is profound. All this can be used to describe love. Neither is absolutely right nor absolutely wrong. It's the exploration of such views that intrigues the human mind. So what is love?

As an individual, I believe love to be an integration of ignorance and bliss. While another individual wears a glass, his view and judgment has been inevitably distorted on the accord of that very glasses; love can be in fact liken to that glasses.

Love can afflict us with joys and hope. Love can bring us to our knees. It can subdue our pride and ego all the same. To sum it up, love can bring out the best and if not, the worst in us as well.

If loving someone or even having that deep passion on other subjects, can allow the human mind to bear all differences and predicaments, even for a moment - why can't love enlighten us on the anguish and heartaches that mostly follows soon after?

Why indeed?

Love will always remain elusive and cryptic to the human mind. Some choose to cling on to their convictions - that love will always prevail even in the darkest of time. Where as some choose to cast aside their credence in love and place it in a more seemingly dependable logic.

But the truth is;

That Love is all there is,
Is all we know of Love.

Yesterday was one heck of a day! And no I am not talking about how great my Valentine day was (I might write a post about it latter). It was my school's annual Sport's Day! By now, I am sure you guys have figured out how obsessive this dear blogger can be when it comes competition even when it's regarding such hypothetical subject a.k.a sports.

Anyhow, as expected, at the end of the day my House (Syed Jan) manages to cling on to the 5th position (the last position, in case you haven't realized that) through out the entire event. That gotta be some sort of an achievement. Well, all those talks about dysfuncationality having it's moment - it was indeed a brief moment. But still, we manged to live through that moment and erm the embarrassment that soon follow as well.

Well the only consolation, we had for the day was that Syed Jan manged to bag the award for the best decorated house. At least the time and effort we spend together decorating the House wasn't wasted.

I believe it would be an understatement if this week is associated with the word 'hectic'. The word 'hectic' doesn't even come close to all the crap and shit I have came across. (pardon the language)

First we have the very, enlightening speech entitled T.H.I.N.K by our dear old senior assistant. I admire his boldness of going up there to deliver a speech on absolutely nothing! Basically, he was just crapping his way through an audience of a 1000++ students who are conveniently too preoccupied chatting among themselves. So I doubt anyone realized that.

And then there was my Moral project work. I am like rushing to finish the 8 essays and 4 kerja amal by the end of this week. So far, I have to say the process has been a long, tedious and painstaking one.

On the other hand, we also have the very shitty and not to mention crappy running about that I have to do for my House. Apparently, my House have a very peculiar tendency to leave everything till the very last moment. Only at the eleventh hour, do these people start rushing other fools (myself included) to do their work. From the procession, House training, event listing,to the House decoration. The very fact that we mange not to end up in the last position so far, never fails to amaze me.

I guess dysfunctionality do have it's moments.

There is also the upcoming Saringan next week. I just found today, that some god-know-who enlisted me for the 100M, 200M, 400M, 4x100M and 4x400M event. Is this suppose to be some kind of joke? God knows what will be left of me by next week.

And next we have the Big Fuss. Even after 16 years, I am yet to see what's up with all the Big Fuss on the Chinese Year. Allow me to first list out the things that make the Big Fuss, well, a Big Fuss to be reckoned with.

1. The Ang Pau/ The Red Packets/ The $$$.
2. The reunions.
   
3. The gambling.
4. The boozes.
5. The food.
6. The open house.

But the thing is, I am yet to see what's beyond all this superficiality. The money? I rather not be at the gratitude of others. (especially with my extended family) The reunions? You get them all the time. (or maybe you don't) But nevertheless my reunions have little reasons to be desired with. The gambling and card games? Sorry, I don't do those kind of stuff. The boozes and drinks? Well, why should one limit oneself to boozes at a single occasion only? If one doesn't mind burning his or her liver away, I see no reasons why he or she should refrain from drinking on every other day. The food? It hardly matters to me. You are what you eat and you eat to live after all. Yes? No? Finally the open house. If it's gonna be something as apparent as a social gathering and a status quo kind of thing - then leave me out of it. I rather be a hermit and live some where far away from civilization and preach on the meaning of life to the animals and tress. Who knows, I may well be on my way towards that righteous path.

The crux of the Big Fuss - nothing but a Big Fuss.

Perhaps over the years, I have gone astray and failed to see the simple joys of the Big Fuss.

But anyhow, a Big Fuss is still a Big Fuss after all. So one must be all merry and joyous about it. So here I am wishing all my dear readers (who manage to endure all this to the very end or for those who skipped straight to here) a very Happy Chinese New Year. May you be blessed with prosperity, longevity and most importantly with the visit(s) of lady luck.

At the mean time, I shall use this wondrous opportunity to contemplate further about the Big Fuss.

Watched Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street the other day. For those out there who are blur about it, here's a bit background information on the movie.

Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street is a musical adaptation of the highly acclaimed musical Broadway by Stephen Sondheim and Hugh Weeler brought to you by the none other brilliant collaboration of the wondrous duo, dear old Tim Burton and Johnny Depp himself. For those who have watched the classic such as Edward Scissorhands, Sleepy Hollow and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will not be disappointed by this macabre musical.

For those who are yet to see Sweeny Todd, think of this movie as another grim, bitter tale under the helm of Tim Burton - think of Edward Scissorshands with loads of blood wrenching, throat slitting and gruesome murder in it. You will be treated with 2 hours of sordid tale, Gothic ambiance and a monochromatic colour scheme. (loads of blue, white, grey and black in it) And did I mention the singing? Yes, embrace yourself for loads of singing in it. Depp did a real good job in it, despite the fact that Sweeny Todd is his first musical role throughout his acting career.

Johnny Depp stars as Benjamin Barker aka Sweeney Todd, a barber falsely imprisoned by Judge Turpin who is played by the multi-talented Alan Rickman. (the same guy who stars as Servus Snape in the Harry Potter trilogy. Don't you just love this guy?) After leaving prison, he comes back to Victorian London to find his wife poisoned and his daughter held captive. As he plots his revenge, Sweeney joins forces with pie-baker Mrs. Lovett (who is convincingly played by Helena Bonham Carter). While Todd preys on his clients asking for a shave, his new partner, Mrs. Lovett turns the bodies into baked meat pies. Yes, you heard me right! Baked pies!

Fascinating, eh?

Another noteworthy thing about this musical master piece is that, it features Sacha Baron Cohen as Pierelli and Timothy Spall in it. For those who are wondering who on earth are those two; think Borat and the later as Peter Pettigrew of Harry Potter or Nathaniel of Enchanted. What a lovely cast they have going on in Sweeny Todd! And for those who are curious, yes both of them actually sing in it!

Oh come on, it's a musical for god sake!

However, what I really like about this musical film is it's ability to tell a twisted, manipulated and repulsed tale. Yet you can't have enough of it. I was like WTF throughout the movie, yet I was glued to the screen. You gotta enjoy Sweeny Todd's wicked sense of humor. It's sickening, yet you can't help but to have a good laugh over it.

And for that reason alone, you should really enlighten yourself with this gory and demented movie. (but bring a barf bag along, together with some nausea pills just for backup)