Then to the moment could I say:
Linger you now - you are so fair!
No flights of aeons can impair-
Forknowledge comes and fills me with such bliss,
I take my joy, my highest moment this!
Linger you now - you are so fair!
No flights of aeons can impair-
Forknowledge comes and fills me with such bliss,
I take my joy, my highest moment this!
Faust
On many occasion, my thoughts often wonder along to the path which I have so blissfully trod upon for all this years. It seems that time have indeed speed up its course over this last two years to an alarming rate. To a rate which had escaped the mind subconsciously. And now here I am at this crossroad, trying half-heartily to gaze upon the road ahead while trying to steal some desperate glances at the path which I have trodden before. I guess it does not hurt to have a good look at the past while trying to decipher the road ahead.
However, there are only certain things the heart can only comprehend whilst the mind struggles to rationalize it out. I believe my journey so far has been a fulfilling one. It was truly an enriching experience, where those moments never failed to put a smile on my face when I reminisce about them. Though, I may forget some; if not most of them -but I am sure, if I search deep enough, it will just be within the grasp of my heart waiting to be drawn upon and reflected.
I may not do such memories justice, but over here I will try my very best to reflect upon them as much as I am able to and record those moments with words. I really believe the very act of putting it down with words will keep such memories well and alive. Safe from the ferociously unforgiving flow of time. Such exploration of the past will have much to show, to tell and to learn from.
Thus, I will take the first step to where it seemed all so familiar yet elusive to me - my primary schooling years. Upon reflection, it seems to me back then I was your typical bespectacled boy who knew nothing beyond books and academic achievements. I only knew a world of studies and being first at all times. It seemed that, it was the only thing I knew to do. And I did it with a fierce sense of unspoken pride. Even so, I was often faced with an inferior complex. Being afraid of being singled out and being the odd one out. As much as I wanted to be noticed, I shun away from the prospects of being in competitions or even taking the lead. In return, I made myself loud in my speech and sort of a bully to those around me. As if it was sort of a counter measure to my shyness and low self esteem.
Those primary schooling years in an old boy school were indeed one of the years of my schooling where I enjoyed the most - standard six in particular. Though, we had the UPSR examination back then, we had a blast studying hard yet playing hard too after the exams till the end of the school term. To be honest, I do not remember in specific what made 2003 that memorable, but collectively it was indeed a year worth noting. Perhaps it was our final year in primary. Everything seemed to be so nostalgic.
Then soon enough, came the secondary years of my schooling. It was somewhat a turning point. The new environment, the different people from different backgrounds, education and gender. At first, I was not bother by it. I was still in my little comfort zone. Wrapped behind a bubble, I still knew little of interacting with others. In other words, I did not changed much from the shy yet brash bespectacled boy who never did have such a high or any outlook for that matter on himself at all.
As if it was like a chain of falling Domino's, it soon came to the part where the bubble finally burst. It was never in a loud or dramatic manner, but rather it went of with a small "POP" hardly noticeable even to myself. Something changed. I cared much more of what others see me as. I took notice into what others have to say. People's impression seemed to be able to prick more than words could ever had. I was heading for the inevitable.
A train wreck.
I am not proud of that period in any way. It was as if a pent up dam was allowed to flow out at a go. But as things will have it their way, one thing led on to another. Something good did came out of it but at the same time, I can not help but feeling I had left something irreplaceable back then. The shyness was proceeded by awkwardness. The phrase rasiond'etre was often replayed in my head. Hence, the blog.
Towards the end, I did managed to find a significant part to cling on to. To channel my thoughts, time and energy into. It was debate. Honestly speaking, I never found out how I was in it. I knew truthfully the initial reason behind my interest for debate was the certificate awaiting me at the end of it. But I was ever unsure of myself during the auditions. How could a quiet and awkward person with no whatsoever experience in speaking out loud in public be made a part of a debate team?
When I was actually in the five man team, neither wining nor losing came into play. It was if all initial fears and insecurities were being dispelled. But I do confess, I was perfectly contented being the reserve one; rather than the one on the stage speaking. I was glad enough to enjoy the free ride while it lasted. Then came to a part which I never once dreamt of having to go through - the stage. My first debut not just as a debater but as a speaker in public was on a stage. It was State Final. I almost ruined it for everyone. The entire gravity and stakes on the line were as if suddenly revealed to me back then.
I hated the very thought of failing others - not in a competition like this especially.
It took me awhile after all of that to finally realized what was withholding me. Those imaginary shackles of insecurities, disappointment and low self esteem were binding me down.
Then came a sudden, silent sense of resolve. I suppose I found my raison d'etre; without knowing what it was back then. I made a resolve to just try things out. To discard whatever shame or self-reserve thoughts I had and go for it. People's impressions on me were still something I take notice about, but I managed to balance it out with my own set of beliefs without compromising.
This year was definitely a time to remember. I managed to get a reprieve and fulfilled everything that was set out there. Even though debate was a team effort, I felt it was also a personal challenge - that one need to overcome before even being able to step up and speak. Overcoming one's fears, doubts and insecurities really did put a difference. It was a better driving force than fulfilling other's expectation or the feeling of not wanting to let others down.
The debating team
After all of that, and finally reaching to the point where I undertook my SPM examinations - I felt satisfied. It was the feeling of knowing you had succeeded in completing what you have started and reaching to a sense of self satisfaction of oneself at the end. As for that bespectacled boy who is uber competitive with a complex to boot, I might be still the same boy, but at least in certain ways I am enlightened upon.
I know for one thing there are more to life than just striving academic wise.
I know for one thing that people's impressions count but oneself confidence is even more so.I know for one thing disappointment comes in two form; when you let yourself down or when you let other's down - that both lead to different paths.
I also know the most important thing of all is to learn from all of this and keep on moving forward.
Clockwise from left - Chia Leh, Yu Hyuen, Me, San Xiu, Vj, Wang, Siew Ying
Class Photo
First row - Ben, Me, Chandera, Paul
Second row -Vj, Jordan, Nigel
Third row - Eu Jin, Steve
At this road junction, I would like to express my gratitude that each person has played their respective part in making this entire journey worthwhile; worth reminiscing and smiling over. And where ever we might meet again at any crossroads in the future, I will be glad to greet an old friend.
3 comments:
i dont know if this comparison is a necessity, but this post does sound a whole lot better than, well, any of your essays i've read. this isnt as lost as usual, undefined yes, but not lost....cos it does strike a thought, a glimpse of the past, a memory in me. i think u've nailed it. maybe that haircut did smtg to ur brain.....?
*gaps* That was one of the nicest thing you ever came up with!
I was expecting you to say "Man, that was damn emo!" (thankfully that didn't came out)
Well, I think partly due to the fact that it took me 2 days to get my lazy brain to work and finally being able to finish it by 3am last night, I'm glad that this time it wasn't lost.
(And I don't think it has anything to do with my new haircut..)
Before anything else, I must say this; based on the massive dosages of emo blogs that I've been trolling through, yours doesn't quite fit the bill of being "damn emo". :P I'd say melancholic, at best.
But coming to what I really want to say (which is short, I promise.)... I found this whole reflection thing rather sweet after I came to the end. I blame my nostalgia towards the nostalgic.
Oh, and congratulations on getting it done before shipping out! :P
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