a story in progress

You know what? I won't pretend to say I understand how it feels like to loose someone close. Nor can I relate to how it feels like to have the passing of someone whom you treasured right in front of your eyes - simply because I never had those moments before. Or rather I am yet to experienced such moments before. At such it would be an outright lie, for me to say "I understand" or "I am sorry for your loss". Those words sounded outright hallow and meaningless; such are the nature of a mechanical formality albeit a much needed formality anyway.

But through the course of last week, may it be by fate, by chance, by luck or by the nature of life itself, I managed to somewhat experienced the scene of death. I may not be one of those few who are closely affected by it, but I can somehow admit, being older this time, I can at least comprehend the nature of such events - a point of paramount significance some might say.

I have seen how people have desperately justify themselves. How people have settle their animosity for others aside. I have also seen how some people will never seem to change. Seeing all those makes me wonder, how will I react if I were to be it their shoes? Quite frankly, I don't know.

But I do know one thing for certain. Having that sense of regret of not being able to do enough or unable to be there at those final moments - is in fact far worst than facing the prospect of death itself. I wouldn't want the rest of my life being haunted by that sense of regret of not being able to cherish the one we love when they are alive.

There are quite a number of things in life which I did without knowing why I did it nor knowing what drove me to do it in the first place. Even so, I did it anyway. Perhaps, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter why we did it. We may have a pure intention in doing it without expecting anything in return. We may be harbouring selfish or an ulterior motive. We may even be outright clueless. But all in all, we did it anyway.

So what made me did it the other night?

I don't know.

But I did it anyhow.

That alone makes all the difference in the world.