a story in progress

I used to have fears of parting. Parting with friends, family, home and basically all things familiar to me. But one day, I came up with an awesome solution. Rather than looking at those partings on a face value, I will look at their merits. Of the stories behind each individual; those special moments and even those nondescript moments. They will all serve as a reminder should I ever feel off beaten that I had the ups before I had the downs. That they all count for something and that nothing is ever a waste or a miss.

So to my friends, family, home and basically all things familiar, we had our good ol' times no? No matter where the road takes me next, I know I will have all of you to fall back to.

Another memento to fall back to.

The last 8 hours have been a most distressing one for my family and I. Without the slightest hint nor warning, my grandmother had a mini stroke. At the time of incident, none of us knew what caused her to become so emotionally labile. Her slurred speech may perhaps be an indicator of what is taking place. But really, we just panicked. It was sheer madness with a mix of confusion and fright.

In hindsight, the decision to bring her to the clinic for an initial diagnosis and the subsequent decision to send her to the hospital may be validated by the doctor's diagnosis of her suffering from a minor stroke. But really.. It was too close of a shave. All sort of what-ifs were playing our heads. What if we shrugged of the episode and opt to observe her for another night at home instead? What if the clinic did not answer my late call for an emergency check up? What if it took place at Alor Star instead of SP?

I am telling myself all that matters, is that the right course of action was taken and that most importantly she is now getting the proper medical attention that she needs at the ICU. However,this time around, the what-ifs are particularly harder to ignore. Not after what I have witnessed first hand.

August is finally here, and I am still as clueless as ever. It can be so irksome at times when people ask me questions that I have no actual answer to them. Like - where are you studying after this? What course will you be doing? Hayioo, why you don't want to go oversea? What you wanna become next time if study that?

Swear to God, I find the whole thing to be so vexing at times that, I don't know why I get so annoyed anymore when confronted with such questions. Is it because, the people who ask them aren't genuinely sincere in knowing my progress and that their merely being ke pohs? Or that asking such questions has become such a mechanical formality to the extent, every now and then, there is a need to reinstate such questionings? Part of the annoyance can also be credited to the simple fact that I have NO real answers to them.

1. Yes, I am hoping to get into one of the Singapore Unis namely, NTU or SMU.
2. No, I do not know what course I will be doing there. The whole admission thing still hinges on my A Level results which will be out in about 11 days or so. But if you insist on knowing, it will most likely be a degree in business or accounting. Definitely, in the commerce line.
3. Yes, I have considered other options of studying elsewhere prior to this. I have taken into account of studying at UK, US, Australia and even Cannada for that matter.
4. No, I do not have the sort of money nor the financial means to sustain my edu at those countries.
5. No, I do not know what I will become in the future. Probably an accountant if I don't go to Singapore as I will be doing my ACCA in Malaysia instead.
6. No, it doesn't get any clearer than this.

Let it be know that, though I have a penchant of recycling the above as replies when attacked with mind numbing questions of my plans, track and whatnot, those are NOT my real answers. I wish I can take the time to explain to the mass public on the ongoing dilemma I am battling everyday in my head. Of the Art stream against Science stream argument. Of the dichotomy between choosing a solid career prospect or a 3 years of university life which will the crucial shaping point of my life.

Really, I do wish I am able to take the time to work up the courage to divulge all of my fears, insecurities and misconceptions to those pesky people. But I don't. For most of the time that's that. My answers to such questions usually end at no. 5.

Now that I have all of that cleared up, it's really time for me to nurse myself back to health. I have never been this sick since my secondary schooling days.

Present or past, I have always deny (vehemently) that I'm converting into a Penangite, Surely, I can't be counted as one just because I have been living there for a year or that my IC has a 07 in it? I still see myself as a budak SP. Jakun in nature.

However, over the last one year, due to the alternating between SP and Penang, I find it difficult at times, identifying which is my home. I know to some, the distinction between those two should seem very clear and that there shouldn't even be any confusion in the first place. I wish it was so. But it isn't.

Take for example, last Wednesday where I finally got back to the island after spending a long weekend at SP. I actually find myself, being excited at the sight of my place after not seeing it for days. Imagine that. I was actually yearning to get back to my oh-so-familiar bed and taking a hot shower in that oh-so-small toilet. Perhaps, it could be me being tired after having a long day, but the feeling of relief back then was unmistakable. It's a feeling akin to one being back at home after being so homesick for a long time.

Now that I am on this little island once more, occasionally my thoughts wander off to SP. Of my room and my mum. The only conclusion that I can think of to reconcile the glaring disparity in this bipolar feelings I have is that I now have two homes. One is my hometown while the other is my birthtown which is slowly growing into my second hometown. It may sounds absurd. Heck even, I find it hard at times, trying to put my thoughts into words, but this is the closest I can put in words. But pretty soon, I may need to leave the latter in search for another place to call my home for the next 3 years at least. Let's see then, how am I to reconcile the tri-dilemma then.

But for the records, I will always be a budak SP. Not a Penangite!

Ps- The picture above (Swiped from Dante C Leon) is totally unrelated to today's post, just that I decided to put in there cause it was a pretty cool mask that my bro and I got in the Bon Odori festival. His is the bronze one (as seen in the pic) while I got myself a green one. *winks*